I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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