Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
