Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Randomize
