i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Randomize
