Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
