I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
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