ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize