My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
