She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
