I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
