Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
whose ass print is on the piano?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
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