ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
