i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I need to stop coming to work sober
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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