tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
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Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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