He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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