1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
