I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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