Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
