It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
