Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
