Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
