When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
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