just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
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