420 ftw
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Randomize
