No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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