I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
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