there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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