I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Randomize
