Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
