Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
