I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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