This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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