If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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