I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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