Everything about him screamed your future.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
