Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
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