My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
