Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
