yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
