I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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