I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
