How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
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