So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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