i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
