Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
