4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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