Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
