it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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