I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
