So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
My vagina just recognized that song.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
