I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
