woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Randomize
