I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
