can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
