There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Randomize
