No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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