well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
