Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
