Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
