i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
