I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
My bed smells like the plague
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
