I just made out with a guy for $7.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Randomize
