remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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