i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
